Regular RAR tips:
Backup RAR tips:
The ultimate RAR tip: Tip #∞
Regular RAR tips
These are the RAR tips that you should always do at every tournament.
Tip #1: Say RAR
You might wonder how I managed to reach 1838 USCF. [note: his rating was 1838 at the time of writing. As of Dec. 22, 2017, his rating is 2062 USCF.] For the first few years, it was actual skill. I played a lot, and was so naturally talented that I didn't study. At all. However, a year ago I stopped making progress. It became clear to me that in order to get better I would have to study. But no! I would NEVER do that! My playing strength will be 1600 for the rest of my life. But I still wanted my rating to go up. So I decided I needed Good Luck. I'd rather have good luck than good skill. To have good luck, I figured I needed to INTIMIDATE my opponents. In one of my most recent tournaments, I had the courage to simply say RAR before the game, during the game, and after the game. My opponent was rated around 1600 but played much worse, allowing basic tactics! Simply say RAR, and you will gain 238 [actually 462] rating points like me! (Not) Guaranteed!
By the way, you can see how badly my opponent played here.
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #2: Play the Anti-e4 RAR attack
Of course, simply saying RAR isn't going to rake in every game as a victory. In some games, you need an opening that is very evil, and will confuse the opponent and force him into passivity while being scared, even though he is playing white! That is why I saved chess by creating the RAR attack vs. e4. There are many RAR attacks, but only one that is against e4. Without even considering your opponent's reply, play 1...d6 and 2...f5. This may seem dumb but you are RARing his center, getting rid of your pawns, and being very risky, by opening up your king. Opening up your king is bad, but your oponnent will think that you have studied it and deemed it sound, so he will play passively. No more of white taking the initiative! Unless you are playing an engine (which we do all the time), play the RAR attack!
My record with the system is 50%, but it should be higher! Look at this game, I drew a master!
Play the Anti-e4 RAR attack!
Don't forget to include your saying, or if online, chatting of RAR!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #3: Bribe the TD
Undoubtedly after trying the first two tips you have ran into problems with the TDs and other players trying to get you banned from their events! And they are right! Doing the RAR is annoying, but effective. But then you do the rational idea of thinking your way out of the problem. What is the problem? Getting banned by TDs. How do you solve it? Well, the best way is bribery. Tell the TD that you'll give him half of your prize winnings. When he's dumb enough to believe you, take the money and run! Hopefully you are living in New York, where there are a lot of TDs and you can continue to get away with it. Otherwise, you'll have to be an honest briber, but you can win all the prizes! Do it at the next big tournament, and give me the money! It was my idea after all.
Good Luck, do the RAR. It RARely doesn't work!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #4: Say "I adjust" after EVERY move
This blog by me focuses on a perfect example of this concept. My opponent tried this annoying concept on me. If you can beat them, then join them! Join the RAR, folks. The point of RAR is the same as the point of adjusting your pieces: To annoy your opponent. Therefore, before they even complete their move, adjust their pieces. And after your move, ON THEIR TIME, also adjust your piece. Doing this will annoy them so much that they will play very badly. And RAR (and you too!) will score yet another victory.
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #5: Record your opponent
Make sure to bring your favorite phone, camera, or electronic device to your next tournament! This tip is just as effective as the others! In fact, it's the most simple to follow. When you see your opponent making the silliest faces, wouldn't you wish that you could share them with the world? The most natural thing is to take a picture with your camera! Of course, you could draw a painting, but that is a lot harder.
The main reason that a camera is better is that you can record people, which is really nice. Record them acting crazy, and show it to them right before the game. Then, say RAR, "I offer you a RAR resignation", and push the clock.
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #6: Time out your higher rated opponent
RARing will always cause you to have more time. The reasoning is simple. After every move that you bang on the board, your opponent will be scared of your move, and will take a few minutes before they actually start thinking about how to reply. Also, by playing so confidently they will recheck and triple check their moves just to make sure that they don't lose.
But against higher rated players, you can RARb their time by doing something else! First, insult and annoy them. Then they will want to win.
Then make an easily drawn position. You won't think and will move fast, but they will think forever! Once they have 5 minutes to your 30 minutes, steamroll them!
By the way, I learned this from personal experience, unfortunately as the victim.
It's also useful to know that as a last resort you can always switch the clocks around if you're in time pressure, to put them in time pressure.
But in the future, always play to time out your opponent! 99% of chess players never time out their opponent in tournament play (RookSacrifice, 2016). Now go join me and the 1% who have timed out their opponents by using these techniques.
We are the 1%!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #7: RARb chess books
As I have said before, you can only get so far by using RAR to win your games. This is the equation if you are using RAR to the best of your abilities:
"x" is your actual playing ability. For example, my playing ability is around 1450, so with RAR techniques my rating should be (and is) a bit over 2000.
The point is that you need a little bit of knowledge besides RAR to get good at chess. If you want to be the world champion you'll need to play at the ability of an expert and be the perfect RARer.
But how do you get this necessary information? Well, the quickest way to do this is to use RAR techniques! RARb chess books!
First, you go to your local chess club, where there are a lot of chess books. Second, you take all of the stupid books that you have in your own home and replace them and take ALL the chess books. Of course, putting your own books is simply for your own benefit, not necessary at all. Third: Go to Anshul's or Sammy's house and dump the bad chess books that you took from your local chess club and put them there.
Now they will be in trouble for RARbing chess books, and you will have chess books that total up to be worth thousands of dollars!
Now go play in a tournament, and with the extra skill and RAR gained from that skill, become a world champion!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #8: Put your face in front of the board
There is no rule against it! Stick your face in front of the board, that way unless your opponent is good at blindfold chess, he will have to not be able to calculate and will make horrible moves. And if he pushes your head away, you can claim touch move, and force him to move you even more, and then you get a free move, since his move was moving you, not a piece.
Of course, you should make it physically impossible for him to make his move, and tell him that if he tries to move you away that you will RAR. He'll resign immediately. And then you win the prize of $50 in a tournament with a $40 entry fee!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #9: Become the TD
As you may have noticed, one of the main problems about doing RAR is the TD, in fact Tip #3 attempted to get around this! But there is something even easier than bribing him. Become him! Then you can bribe yourself! According to the USCF, you shouldn't play in your own events, therefore you have to cheat your way through. Create a second name to use in your own events. First, lose all of your games and become a 100 rated player. Then, as a sandbagger, start to win every cash prize through RAR as well as actual skill! So easy! Once I'm 18 he'll make sure to do this RAR tip!
If you become the TD
You'll get money easily
Just make sure to use RAR
You'll get very far.
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #10: Don't acquire actual skill, just say RAR
Earlier this year, I went to the "prestigious" Washington State Championship. Plenty of players were obsessed about chess there. I looked at a laptop, and most of them were busy solving tactics to get better at chess, or studying some openings. They were so dedicated that they weren't able to be happy, this thing we can chess has plauged them. They had no interest in real life, only to beat each other at chess. Hours a week were plunged into this activity of improving, and they thought that they were getting better in the most efficient way possible.
Sadly, they were getting better at chess in the most inefficient way possible. You see, way too much emphasis is put on you having skill and playing a good game. Your psychological intimidation and annoyingness is not factored in. However, it wastes much less time. A player that studies chess for an hour, let's be generous, improves their skill level by 1 rating point at most. But a person who learns about RAR and how to be annoying, in one hour can gain 100 rating points in "skill" level! That is why it is very important for you not to study chess. Your time is much better spent in this group. Remember: The more you pay me, the more you learn!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #11: No more freedom of speech
Often times in the news, I hear people complaining that they don't have freedom of speech. They are persecuted, and if they speak out, death threats come their way, and they are accused of being mean or worse. Indeed, freedom of speech is bad. If allowed, it will prevent the rising of RAR. "RAR men thrive when good men do nothing" is a famous saying, foreshadowing this event. That is why there must be no freedom of speech! If there is, people will unite and prevent the RAR from taking over the world.
This is also a factor in your tournament games. After harassing your opponent, he might be annoyed and tell you to be quiet. If so, tell him that he's hurting your feelings, and if freedom of speech is outlawed he may be banned from the tournament! Once you eliminate your opposition, you will succeed in doing anything you wish. Don't let them speak out against tyranny, and the tyranny will continue!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #12: Scare them into submission
It's pretty obvious how RAR has helped me become a 1800. All my opponents get scared and therefore play worse. That helps me beat all these higher rated players, because I scare them. But sometimes, I scare them so much that they don't even show up! That's right, they are so scared that they forfiet! Here is what you must do:
1. Scare everybody. If you happen not to have scared your opponent, he will be scared from you scaring other people.
2. Move the boards: This will also intimidate them. They will not know where to sit, and will be scared and concerned that they are at the wrong place. They might even forfiet!
3. Make it appear that you are cheating: After ech move, go to the bathroom. Wait for your opponent to enter, and when he does so you can RAR him. Half the time they won't even come back to the board, and you will win! so make sure to do the RAR, scare them with it, and you will beat the losers like the world champion and Surge-y Carry-yucky
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #13: Make your opponent unlucky
It's the RAR tip 13, so it must deal with bad luck. And who else should get bad luck more than your opponent? If he is unlucky, you are lucky, and you win! As many of you have noticed from my games, I am one of the most lucky chess players ever! When I'm losing I win, at least a lot of the time. My opponents will fall for blunders in time trouble, always touch the wrong pieces, make illegal moves, and forget their openings.
But how do you make you opponents get unlucky? I'm glad you asked, even though you didn't.
For one thing, your opponents are already unlucky for having to play you. When they come to the board, take away all their pieces. Just rattle them a little bit. Then start RARing them, make loud noises, and drink their coffee and eat their snacks, so that they are hungry and can't concentrate. Your opponents will be very unlucky, and will most likely lose. I wish you good luck in employing this technique, robbing your opponent's snacks has worked out great for me! If you play me, then there could be a real war!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #14: Buy a silent clock
Search around for the most silent chess clock you can find, then insist on using it. This way, when your opponent gets up and struts around, you hit the clock when he isn't looking. If necessary, you can hit the clock again right before he looks over.
If he sees you try to do this, he will become irritated and will play recklessly.
It's a win-win!
If you are too cheap to buy a chess clock, then you still have a chance because most clocks have a silent mode. If the TD stops you, apply RAR tips #3, #9, and #12.
- might-be-banned DKBRAO
Tip #15: Misinform your opponent
Currently, the art of confusion is one of the RAR movement's core ideas.....So, I decided to solidify that idea with another RAR tip.
Tell your opponent he has an excellent move.
He will spend extra time searching for it, even if he says he doesn't believe you. Either he will continue on with less time, or he will resort to asking you what the great move is. Promptly shush him if he does.
Most of the time he will end up asking you again; when this happens, complain to the TD and try to get him kicked out for being disruptive. Make sure that his clock is running, when you run over to find the TD with him on your heels.
Since TDs hate RAR Masters, you will obviously fail in trying to kick him out, but, he will come back short on time, and you will apply the rest of the RAR tips for an easy win.
Some of you may be asking, "What if he finds a good move that I didn't see?" See RAR tips #4, #8, #10, #12, and #13.
I was so inspired by this tip that I wrote a haiku about it:
and confusion are the way
of the RAR Master
Since this haiku is pretty awful, I also included one of the "best" haikus ever written:
(It is translated from Japanese so the syllable count is wrong in English.)
the braking locomotive
grinds to a halt.
The plants die when the sun bakes
The locomotive will put on its brakes
It will then come to a stop
So that all of us can sob
- might-be-banned DKBRAO
Tip #16: Inform your opponent
You may have noticed that the last tip was "Misinform your opponent", but since RAR evolves, even by the minute, now it is recommending that you do inform your opponent, and yes, of the truth.
Your opponent came to the tournament to play chess, if he doesn't get chess, he may very well get mad and leave. Especially if you say some of the following things:
Everyone's going to die, why are you wasting your life playing chess?
If he's an adult with a family, tell him that he should spend his time with them.
If they are an adult with no family, tell him that he shouldn't be single and should try to get married.
If they are a kid, tell them to go home and play video games.
If they are a person, tell them to socialize with people instead of isolating themselves in front of the chessboard.
If they aren't a person, take them to the zoo.
Also, before the game, inform your opponent that he is terrible at chess, because he is, and lower his morale as much as you can.
If you know them better this will be easier, since you can tell them all their embarrassing moments. However, even if you don't know them, you can still ask others what weird things he has done.
So now you should inform your opponent, instead of misinforming them. Actually both are fine, by evolving and being a "living" moment, RAR doesn't actually stand for anything.
This can actually be compared to how some people view the constitution. Many people think that it's a living document, meant to evolve over time. In other words, whatever they want it to be. They want to change it to support what they think. And this is exactly how RAR is with me. I change it to support what I think. The original words and ideas don't matter, we will overthrow the law and make new "laws" as we wish!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #17: Stare at your opponent
You might be wondering, "How can you annoy your opponent even more?" After all of these amazing RAR tips, that would seem almost impossible. But there is in fact is a way to do so! All you have to do is STARE at them. Just keep on staring at them. Do it while their clock is running, to annoy them and make them low on time. If they stare back, then they're wasting their time! If they use their hands to shield out your stare, constantly adjust the pieces and put your face in front of the board. If they call the TD, apply RAR tips #3, #9, and #12.
Tip #18: Make illegal moves
You go to a chess tournament, and in the first round you play this player who's rated 2000. He's super obnoxious and on the first move plays hxg2. That's right, he takes his own pawn! What would you think? That he's careless? That he doesn't know how to play chess? Imagine your surprise when he tells you that he changed some of the rules of chess because it was too hard for him to win with the normal set of rules. You'd think he's crazy, right? He surely doesn't know how to play chess, does he? What a patzer!
But in fact, you are being tricked. Now that I have warned you, you can be the super obnoxious player.
If you make illegal moves, your opponent will think you're a beginner and be careless, thus blundering and making you lucky, which is the point of RAR.
When chess players don't focus, they are playing worse and not noticing subtle details in the position, such as when you plop an extra pawn in the 7th rank in a pawn endgame.
First, choose a move normally. Find the move that you want to make.
Next, take the piece you want to move, and make an illegal move with it. This way, when your opponent says it's illegal and that you must still move it, you can make the move you wanted in the first place.
Then, look around the board confusedly and try to look like you are plopping the piece on a random square and you don't know what is going on. They will take this as a sign that once again that you don't know all the rules of tournament chess, and every turn you keep reassuring them that this is the case.
The only problem?
FIDE (who hates RAR) made this rule: "for the first two illegal moves by a player the arbiter shall give two minutes extra time to his opponent in each instance; for a third illegal move by the same player, the arbiter shall declare the game lost by this player"
What a bummer, you might think. Now how will I use this tip in actual tournament play? Don't worry, you're not hopeless.
For one thing, this means that you will still be able to do this tip twice in a single game. Your opponent will get extra time, but you should never care, because if you RARed correctly, you should be way up on time! Plus, when "adding" time to his clock, be really sneaky and make sure that you actually deduct time from it. If he catches you in the act, play dumb and say that you thought that having :30 was better than :40 since you thought the clocks work their way up instead of down. With an analog clock this is especially effective.
Also, those are the rules. And who is supposed to enforce them? The tournament director! If you can't become the tournament director, which would be incredibly useful, or bribe him, or scare him, or RAR him (you see, you have a lot of ways of acheiveing your goals with the RAR), then you should be the one who raises your hand to get the tournament director. When he comes you trick him by claiming your opponent makes an illegal move. He will argue that you did that, and the TD will simply ignore you both and you will get away with cheating the whole game.
RAR your opponent into making bad moves!
Tip #19: Sandbag
Last year, one of our least loyal members, on the should be banned list (along with half of our members) went to the evil Las Vegas, where he played in an evil event called the North American Open (which it was called because it was held in North America. A very odd name indeed).
I warned him before the tournament that there would be so many sandbaggers. Players in his U1900 section would be playing at master level and dominate the field, and he would lose rating.
Since this player, who no one has ever heard of, likes rating, I thought my last point would convince him not to play, and if he did, at least to have no hope of winning (at that time RAR was in its beginning phases, and wasn't as powerful and deadly as it is now, plus he was so anti-RAR he wouldn't have used it). I wanted him to go there with no hope. But he didn't. Instead, he told me over the famous chess.com live server that he didn't believe that sandbaggers actually would be playing, and that's everyone played at their legitimate rating levels, and he was convinced that since he was underrated that he would win. I tried again, to convince him not to waste $3000 for no good reason, but alas, as always, my wise advice was not listened to.
And at that event, after losing his first 2 games, this unknown player realized that I was right, sandbaggers were real, and they were winning his section. In despair, he begged and implored for my assistance. But I told him that by not listening to me, he had suffered this consequence. Ever since then, this unknown person has always listened to me obediently, knowing that I'm always right about everything, and in this case, he'd wasted $3000 unnecessarily.
This person tried to convince himself that everything was fine, in fact saying "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas", but although that might be true most of the time, it wasn't in this case. When he came back, I kept criticizing him every time I saw him, and he admitted that I was right every time and that he would always take my advice. What happens in Vegas lives with you forever, if you are my "friend".
However, this didn't have to happen. Indeed, if this person had listened to my earlier advice and sandbagged himself and played in the U1250 section, he may very well have gotten 6/7 and won a few thousand. But instead he got 3/7 by playing in his legitimate section, something from which this player has never recovered from.
Why the long introduction? Because it shows that I'm wise; stories make people relate and thus listen to me, and it takes up space.
How do you sandbag then, you might ask me? I'll tell you right now.
1. Understand the anti-sandbagging rules. If there's one thing to do to sandbag, you need to know all the measures being taken to prevent it, so you can get around them. This includes never gaining another rating point, or waiting a year, and making sure you aren't provisional. Tournaments tend to vary a lot in these rules.
2. Lose rating. This is the easiest part of the process. You guys are bad enough when you try, if you don't try, you will lose rating quickly. Show up late, pour coffee on yourself, annoy the opponent into making you lose, there are so many ways to lose! Or simply get checkmated.
3. Find the perfect victim. Like a virus, you must look for the perfect target to make your host, and then victimize it. Viruses can only take control of certain cells, you'll only be successful in certain tournaments! Make sure the prizes cover all your expenses, sneak into the flight for maximum revenue, and sleep in the tournament room. Make sure to steal food, walk or take someone's car to get places, and steal all cash you can find. By doing this, you will only have to pay the entry fee and will make a ton of money.
4. Win all your games using the RAR Tips.
5. Send me the check and I'll give you back all of the money and extra.
That's how you sandbag and make it rich!
Tip #20: Never resign
If you are using RAR you should never resign.
The reasoning for this is so simple that I have condensed it down to a mere 500 words:
If you are losing, you should never resign, because RAR is about winning lost positions.
If you are winning, you should never resign, because RAR is about winning.
If you are drawing, you should never resign, because RAR is about winning drawn positions.
Has anyone ever won a game by resigning? I know, stupid question that only I, the stupid editor, would ask. Of course no one has. Then why do people resign? It's unfathomable that someone could do such a thing like guarantee their own loss by giving up. And yet, every single Grandmaster, and master in general, resigns!
This means that if we do not resign and show ourselves to be better than the GMs, that the new title "RAR Master" will be even more prestigious, and better than "Grandmaster"! We will never resign, and thus score better results. We have no morals!
If you are losing, or even if there is a forced mate in 3, (if there is no forced win just use your luck) you can try a bunch of things, but NEVER RESIGN! You could use the rest of your time to develop a complicated strategy. Sometimes though, simply leaving the board and doing something else makes your opponent so bored that they leave it too, or they sleep, or complain. That is when you make your move, and they will time out.
Take a moment to recall the famous fable, "The Tortoise and The Hare". The hare was so sure that he was going to win the race, that he took a nap and let the tortoise win!
RAR is essentially a world class, highly effective tortoise.
Have you been wondering why I am using the word "never" in this tip? Probably not, but I will explain anyway.
The saying "never say never" clarifies itself by contradicting itself, exactly like RAR.
Since I was over the word count that I mentioned in the beginning of the tip, I added this poem to bring the word count down:
RAR is a star,
In the headlights of a car.
RAR is a movement,
To no one's amusement.
RAR is a troll,
Affects the soul.
Tip #21: Act stupid
Being annoying is a core principle of RAR. (See tips #8, #13, #15, and #16 for needless proof) Acting stupid is a great way of doing this and doing RAR! And it makes you appear as a beginner, so your opponent becomes careless, blundering pieces and making terrible positional mistakes, which gives you a sure win!
What are the effective ways to act stupid and beginner-ish? Follow the following:
Before the game, approach your opponent and ask him if he is good. Whatever he responds, make up some dumb story about how you once played someone who was really good and then you lost in ten moves. Also try to ask him what his favorite piece is or something equally stupid. Don't forget to rant about RAR, because your opponent will think it's stupid nonsense.
Make up stories about the elite chess players. Either you can say stuff like "is Fischer still the world champion or did he lose that match to Karpov?", or "did you hear about Joseph's recent victory in Norway Chess?" Either way, they'll think you know nothing, and they are right.
As you set up the board, make sure to set the board wrong. First, try to put the white pieces on the 7th and 8th ranks. Then, place the knight where the bishop should go, and of course the queen and king should be switched as well. If your opponent corrects you, try to act like you don't know and don't care.
During the game, make sure you seem undecided. Hover your hand around a random pawn and pretend like you're thinking. Then hover around another pawn and do the same. Make weird facial expressions like you don't understand the position. Forget to press the clock a couple times. Make a couple illegal moves.
The most crucial part of this is to say RAR constantly.
Act stupid and RAR!
Tip #22: When the lowest seed in a tournament, enter the event twice
You heard that right! If you're the lowest player in your section, enter it twice! You will gain rating for sure, and thus, since rating is the meaning of life, you'll be happy. In fact, you might even win a class prize using this method.
Since the people in this group are very scientific (some love sciences, others love computer science, and a third group love being like those in the first two), I'll provide a procedure for you to follow, so there should be no confusion and no blaming Joseph (more important).
1. Look for a host tournament. I've mentioned it before, but RAR encourages its members to be like viruses and damage and infect the chess community. We've already recommended playing lower rated players to win and make them all give up chess (which forces TDs to pay you to get them back into it), but now, we are giving tips on how to play against only high rated players. This is the most important part: ENTER AN EVENT THAT ONLY HAS HIGH RATED PLAYERS. Otherwise, doing this complicated procedure will not make much sense, since you won't gain rating, which is the meaning of life.
2. Once you've entered this event (you might be playing up a class, or paying an extra few hundred in a norm or master event), enter again. You'll have two entries, which looks weird but it's totally intentional.
3. Get to the tournament early enough to tell the TD that yes, you actually wish to play two games at once, and not to get rid of one of your entries.
4. Since your ratings are the exact same, you'll get two boards next to each other, and the Swiss system will make them different colors. This is also necessary, if you have the same color on both boards the trick will not work, and you'll need to intimidate or become the TD.
5. And now... let the games begin! Wait for the opponent that you have black against to play his move. Once he does this, play this on the other board, and wait for his response. Do this with every move. What you're essentially doing is making the two people play each other, and you are guaranteed to get one point. Since they are both higher rated than you (the more, the better!), you will gain rating and get closer to fulfilling the meaning of life. Don't forget, since your opponents will see you doing this, they might want to collaborate, but you can accuse them of cheating if they do. So the TD is hopefully on your side, this will work.
6. After the event, you will have definitely gained rating. You probably will win a class prize since one of your entries will have a plus score or both will have equal scores, which will probably win the lowest class prize. You'll have an even score against players a couple hundred points higher rated than you, lots of games to brag about, and most importantly, you will have completed RAR Tip #22.
RAR tip #23: Hypnotize your opponents
"In this awarding winning blog by Joseph Truelson, you only get to hear his side of the story on how he beat me. You don't learn the real reason I lost, he just mentions lies that never actually happened.
I should have known better.
You should know by now that being annoying is a core value of RAR. If you didn't, you better be scared of the RAR mobs coming to get you!
And I should have been more wary of playing the famous RAR Master Joseph Truelson. I thought it was a hoax, but after this game I knew that it was anything but, and is interfering with our life, and our world! Joseph managed to hypnotize me during the game, and made me play bad moves. How did he do this? He did it by swinging a queen back and forth, and managed to make me look at it so much (Since I'm the queen of chess, I couldn't resist) that I was fully hypnotized. The first thing he told me to do was to act normal, so that no one else would realize. Then, he would write down a move in his notation sheet, show it to me, and I automatically played it, as he had somehow programmed me to do this. He won of course, and I will almost never be able to recover from this loss." - Joseph's first round opponent, verbatim
Clearly we don't all have the abilities of Joseph Truelson (none of us do!), but we can still hypnotize our opponents.
A great way to do this OTB is to wear a crazy hat! Find a large hat with bright colors and the most crazy shape you can find! Your opponents will surely be annoyed and intimidated, and most importantly, distracted. Then, ask them to stand up with their feet close together, have them look into your eyes, and they will be hypnotized. They'll be too hypnotized to realize that they are hypnotized.
What if you don't play OTB and only online? There is still a way to hypnotize your opponents into playing badly! Find the most hypnotizing picture you can find and set it as your avatar. I have done this and it is super successful, I gained a lot of rating points that I obviously don't deserve from the chess.com server. You see, I even hypnotized the server into doing what I wanted.
RAR your opponent's, and even your engine's, eyes!
Lastly, a poem about hypnosis could do the trick too:
It most certainly is not a surprise
That if you are able to hypnotize
That you will control
Their life and their soul
Just by tricking their eyes.
RAR tip #24: Unleash your dark side
"Humans have a light side and a dark side, and it's up to us to choose which way we're going to live our lives."- Joseph Truelson (who else?)
Clearly too many people have been choosing the light side.
Many books have talked about the dark side of humanity. We see in our history books, wars against bad guys, and other books like "Lord of the Flies" that the evil side is stronger than the goodness, and only order prevents people from going crazy.
Unfortunately, that isn't happening in most of society. People go about with their lives without releasing their dark side. In Star Wars, the worst thing happened (at least according to my knowledge of the movies): The evil guy (DRARth Vader?) ended up joining the good guys before dying! How horrible and scandalous!
In the remake of this movie, Star RARs, of course, this was changed, with the good guys actually becoming bad, but this movie wasn't as popular, since people seemed to enjoy seeing good guys win.
Which is our main problem. We have been trained to view people that help each other as good, and those who RAR, as bad. We need people to release their dark (or dRARk) side in order for our movement to fully succeed, and not just control everyone, but make them love us as well (think 1984, in which in the end everyone loves Big Brother, which in the real world, is clearly me).
So how do we turn people into evil ones? Well, I've heard that bullies tend to be former victims.
At your next tournament, don't just RAR in a playful way. Be a mean bully, as the victims of RAR will eventually become part of RAR. Unleash your dark side, and they will too. Everyone will be part of RAR and I will be a trillionaire!
And notice that it's fine if these people deny it. The more we deny that we have a dark side, the more power it has over us.
I have a dream that one day, the whole world will be full of evil, miserable RARers.
Tip #25: Overfeed your opponent
While stealing your opponent's snacks can be effective, it may sometimes cause them to become hungry and more tactically alert. I say "sometimes", because certain people never get hungry, while others will always be hungry.
But right before you violently throw this RAR tip out the window (I can see RookSacrifice throwing his monitor from his second-floor bedroom), there is another way, for the weird opponents who aren't troubled and lose their minds when they are hungry.
Instead of taking from everyone, be a giver. Give them your snacks and other RARbed snacks from the skittles room. Or snacks RARbed from previous opponents. Then tell them to eat up. It will help if it's during their turn, but it isn't necessary.
If you really want to be evil, you could give them barely edible food, like very RARe steak, grass, or coconut (I hate coconuts!).
If they refuse to eat the food, then guilt them into it and talk about starving kids in India and Africa! If they still refuse, then put so many snacks in front of them that they have to eat the snacks to see the board. It won't hurt to take a few of their pieces off the board while doing this. Another trick is to ask them if they like seafood. If they say "yes", then tell them to eat the food, since they can see food.
After eating enough food, your opponent should start feeling sick. He will frequently visit the bathroom. Make sure their clock is running when they do! They may never return! Even if they do, they will be short on time, feeling terrible, and will probably forfeit. Plus, you'll have a new batch of snacks that they must eat.
Tip #26: RARb RAR books
There are two strategies to win at chess: good skill and good luck. Of course, RAR endorses the luck part. Since Joseph is always right, I'd rather have good luck than good skill.
But you need some skills to get good. In RAR tip #7 (RARb chess books!), Joseph taught us the famous equation:
Rating = 1.4x (where x is your actual playing ability)
Our deer leader then explained:
"You need a little bit of knowledge beside rar to get good at chess. If you want to be the world champion you'll need to play at the ability of an expert and be the perfect RARer."
That's why you need to RARb chess books! That's for the expert ability part. But what about becoming the perfect RARer?
Of course, you need to follow all the other RAR tips. But the tips alone won't guarantee perfect RARing. That's why Magnus Carlsen says that "reading books is a must."
That solves it! You must read RAR books! But where can you get them? They are at Joseph's house. That's right, RARb them from Joseph! But how can you possibly rob from the RAR Master? I'm glad you asked, even though you didn't.
The key is that the best attackers are the worst defenders, and so Joseph will horrible at defending his RAR books from robbery. But won't he rob them back? To solve this, make sure to give him your morals, as you are sneaking away with the RAR books. He will be unable to RARb them back, and you will win!
Good luck RARbing RAR books, except if you rob from me!
Tip #27: Get a fidget spinner
(Notice: This won the 2017 prize for run-on sentences): At the Seafair Open last month, I was walking around, philosophying (is that a word?) about the principles of RAR, wondering if I could ever find a tip that didn't contradict a previous one, being perfectly uncontent with the way my life was, when suddenly I saw a prodigy (name hidden for security reasons, my own or else I will be persecuted) with an odd device in his hand.
"What are Yu doing with that thing?" I asked him.
"Oh", he said in reply, "it's a fidget spinner".
"Why do you need that?"
"It helps me concentrate". He said he had ADHD or autism (he isn't lying, he's crazy), and that this device helped him.
So, being the diligent student I am, like I was taught in school, I decided to do research on the fidget spinner, a new popular innovation this year, and use Wikipedia, the source recommended by all your teachers, and found that it said the following:
"There is no scientific evidence that they are effective as a treatment for autism or ADHD"- Wikipedia after I edited it, proving its reliability.
So what does this mean? To my relief, a fidget spinner is not intended to help you concentrate, and instead is just a pure annoyance toy! It doesn't help people, but they use it anyways.
First, I must applaud the people who made it for making a bunch of money by scamming everyone. But their invention can still be useful for us.
Back to the tournament, many other kids also had their fidget spinners. They would spin them around, look at them lovingly, give them names, etc. Meanwhile, if I got hold of one, I would annoy people with them, spinning them around (the fidget spinners and the people), confusing everyone. After doing this for a while with incredible success, I realized that this fidget spinner had gained these kids at least 100 rating points. Fidget spinners didn't help them concentrate, but it helped their opponents not concentrate.
So that is why, RAR readers, using a fidget spinner is yet another way to annoy your opponent. And even better? If they complain of harassment when you throw the device up and down, pass from one hand to the other (if you can juggle that would really help), and "accidentally" slide it on the board to "adjust" the pieces where you want them to be, or do tricks with it (look up "fidget spinner tricks" on Google) you can claim that you are autistic or have ADHD (pretty much everyone can claim to have one of these, I have a form of autism) and that you need the device to concentrate. The TD will be mad at your opponent, and if you're lucky, charge him with hate speech since he's complaining about the disabled! No more freedom of speech! Down with goodness and our constitution!
In other words, this is a tip that will never get you in trouble. Sure, a really good player might be able to beat you if distracted, assuming you don't use the other tips. But still, wouldn't it be nice to have an extra 100 points or more? Or, if you want money, you could do a RookSacrifice, sandbag, and then use the fidget spinner at the big money event and win easily.
Either way, you can get a fidget spinner for less than $10, and the rewards and benefits of using it are immense. Combined with your other evil methods of winning, your opponents won't stand a chance.
(Finally! A RAR tip that doesn't contradict a previous one!)
Tip #28: Make your opponent sleepy
RAR Tips, while being quite effective, don't always succeed without a huge fight. Why? Because your opponent complains to a tournament director, their friends, everyone in the world that isn't you, and can try to get you in trouble. How can we solve that problem? Simple, we make our opponents sleepy, so they can't complain when we do lots of evil tips!
Fortunately, there are so many ways to do this that you may never get caught. Here are some effective ways to ensure your opponent is sleepy:
1. For late night rounds, that tend to begin around 7pm in the night, you'll need a tournament director's help. Half of the events don't get their rounds up on time, so have the tournament director start the event about an hour and a half late. Annoying for players (which, hopefully will withdraw so you can win the prizes), but not suspicious. After all, organizers here never do a good job. Meanwhile, take a good nap, electrocute yourself to ensure that you're awake, and go to your board around 8:30pm. Being wide awake, you might be able to win with the (little) chess ability that you have! When opponents are sleepy, they typical tend to lose "300-500 rating points" in their "skill" level (Joseph Truelson, 2017, and yes, he did say those words). Since you're playing in a reserve section (if you're playing up, use the two-game RAR tip), you will completely dominate your opponent. You will play unsound moves, but they will miss you obvious threats and go on to lose, and quickly. Since the critical last round is always late, you could even win first!
2. For early rounds, you can do the opposite. Have the tournament director start the rounds at 8 in the morning, and make sure you're alert at that time.
3. Sleeping pills. There are many ways to trick your opponent into eating one. If it's a hot day outside, get a cooler (don't let anyone see this) and fill it with lemonade, as well as the grinded sleeping pills. Put it where people will see it, and when people drink it they will fall asleep! There will be many double forifets, and you will win the tournament! Of course, if it's a cold day, then set hot chocolate or put the sleeping pills in the hot water people use for their coffee.
4. Make the position boring. Since chess is life for many people, if the chess game is boring, they will be bored. Play openings like the Boring System, the Boring opening, and the Boring attack. Your opponents won't be able to stay awake, after which you can graciously accept victory when he times out.
5. Yawn. This is just a helpful way to make your opponent a little more sleepy, if you can't do the other stuff. It's scientifically proven that yawning will make other people want to yawn as well. Therefore, they will be sleepier than they were before. After a few hundred yawns, they should be soundly asleep.
Of course, there are many other amazing methods to make your opponents sleep. If you need to learn these methods, send me $1000 and I'll give you a few more tips.
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #29: Be loud!
Ever since the dawn of chess tournaments, one thing has always been forbidden: making noise that annoise (annoys) your opponents. Of course, we do this anyways. But since the tournament room is so quiet, if we say something right outside of it, everyone will hear us anyways.
Your opponents will not be as annoyed as if you yelled and RARed in their faces, but little do they know, that you have another plan to trick them. Not the obvious ways that people have done for years, but something more sinister and inventive.
After plonking a piece powerfully on the board and "adjusting" it around 5 times, leave the tournament room. Since there is always someone hanging out right outside the tournament room, either in the skittles room, or just a parent waiting for their evil prodigy kid, strike up a conversation. After some "pleasantries" (although there's no need to be pleasant about it), you will start talking about your game. A typical conversation could go like this:
You (very loudly): Hi Mrs. Chess Mom! How is your evil prodigy kid doing?
CM (Cheating Master or Chess Mom): Aren't you that annoying kid that everyone says does the RAR and cheats all the time?
You (still very loudly): No, that's RookSacrifice. I'm a very quiet kid that loves to study chess hours a day, especially my openings. I play the Caro Kann, 1.d4, and boring positional stuff. My chess style is just like my personality, very calm, boring, and peaceful.
CM: So you're a pacifist? (Laughs)
You: Yes, wRAR is wrong. Chess is wrong. People should not play chess, and all games should be drawn. Unfortunately, the way chess is organized makes both players try to win. I have a dream that one day, draws will be worth more than wins!
You: You see, life imitates chess, according to Garry KaspRARov. That means whatever chess is, life will become. If we play peaceful chess, we will have peaceful lives.
CM: (fake laughs) Well, good luck in your game!
You (still very loudly): Yeah, thanks for asking! Right now, we're in a very critical middlegame. However, I just messed up. (Loud whisper, loud enough for your opponent to hear you) I'm playing hope chess, threatening a really cool trick. I don't think my opponent will see it. If he does, I'll probably just have to defend a worse position. (Ramble on for a few more minutes)
CM: Ok then. (Checks phone) Well, I've got to- ummmmm, check on the car to make sure no one robbed it, so I better get going now. See you later!
You: Bye! I'm sure my opponent will NEVER see my cool trick!
Are you threatening a cool trick? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, your opponent will be relieved he "overheard" you guys, and will take all his time to find a winning tactic for you. Only when he is in severe time pressure will he finally make his move, realizing that you've just fooled him. With the huge time advantage, you will psych him out and win the game easily!
Being loud at a chess tournament has its perks, even if you don't start talking about your game. Most of the time, players will complain that you're too noisy. If you're annoying enough, they might even withdraw, thus increasing your winning chances! They certainly won't come back to the next chess tournament. Then, you can make a lot of money by telling the tournament director that you won't play in his next event if he pays you to stay away. Using this money, go to another tournament, and repeat the process. You'll make tons of money, and all because you listened to RAR Tip #29!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #30: Change the pairings
Since the public is influenced highly by emotional stories and "true testimonials", I've decided that a good introduction to draw interest is to describe the sad fate of a player who recently played in the Seattle Chess Classic.
It was going into the final round. Joseph Truelson, the famous RARer, was waiting anxiously for the pairings. He was earnestly hoping to play a lower rated player, because if he won he would get the entry fee and $33 to spend and splurge on science to find new cheating methods.
You see, there was 6 people with 4.5 points going into that fatal round. Joseph had only played one of them during the tournament. To his bad luck, they paired him against the highest rated player with 4.5, a master named John Doknjas. He sobbed, cried, and tried, but could not prevent the good moves of this unemotional savage player from destroying him.
But none of this had to happen! The reason Joseph was unhappy was because he was paired against the wrong, and best player! If he had been able to edit the pairings, who knows where he might have gotten!
That is why we recommend that you change the pairings at your local tournaments. You see, a while ago RAR did multiple surveys, and discovered that higher rated players tend to beat lower rated players more than the opposite.
We tried to be open minded and therefore looked at all the evidence we could acquire, and it unanimously supported this. So if you play lower rated players, you'll have a better chance to win! But how can you do this? RAR has 2 main solutions, both involve knowing how to use SwissSys. (the pairing system used for every tournament these days) Since we have lots of computer geniuses around here it should be easy.
1. Suggest that the tournament have "randomized" pairings. This will ensure that the event is fair- players with the same score will still play each other, but not in rating order (1 vs. 4, 2 vs. 5, 3 vs. 6), but rather it will be done randomly. In this case, while the tournament director isn't looking, keep pairing the round over and over again until you get the most advantageous pairing possible. This will ensure that you get the maximum number of points possible.
2. Cheat the pairings. If the tournament won't listen to your revolutionary and good idea of random pairings, then you must do something else. You must change their pairings illegally.
There are two ways of doing this. If the TD doesn't watch their computer like a hawk, simply go in the computer and change your pairing, switching the high rated opponent for an easier one. On the other hand, if the TD is a bird, then you must use your own laptop and printer to reproduce the tournament, and make these illegal pairings yourself. Make sure all details are the same, then take the TD's pairings down, and put your nearly identical ones up. No one will notice and you will keep winning unethically!
- RM Joseph Truelson
Tip #31: Don't be yourself
[note: this was erroneously published as tip #33]
Ever feel like no matter how hard you try to do something, that you’ll never succeed? There’s a good reason for that. It’s because of your own faults and failings. They are so bad, that you are not able to succeed at life.
I’ve been told “Be Yourself” by many people. However, that wisdom does not apply to most people. Only a select few in this world can go far by being themselves. The rest of the world can not live good lives unless they imitate. And that is just what I suggest for you, fellow RARers.
Being that living your own lives is leading you down the path of misery, I suggest you follow someone else’s path. Someone strong, dictatorial-like, and powerful. Someone intelligent, stupid, and smart. Someone who rules with an iron first (tapping a finger on a screen is more accurate). Someone arrogant, selfish, and corrupt.
If you’ve not already guessed who this might be, I must bow before you, and tell you. It is none other than the one and only RAR Attacker, Joseph Truelson.
Now that you’ve received this amazing revelation which would take you 27 years to discover on your own (this is precisely why being yourself doesn’t work...), you can start to have hope of living a good life, winning at chess, and becoming rich. The answer is simple: Don’t be yourself!
How can you be like someone else though? Or more specifically, like Joseph Truelson? I’ve encountered hundreds of confused followers, who have asked me what they can do.
And so, using “science” (statistics), “logic” (my own thoughts), and “facts” (my opinions), I have finally discovered an altruistic (although you have to pay for it) method to be like Joseph Truelson.
This method, named Truelson’s Tried and True Training Trek, or “T’s” for sure, will give you the answers you need. Included are basics like my phone number, grandfather’s birthday, and the hopsital I was born in, as well as sophisticated stuff like my general life philosophy and stuff never revealed in RAR before. Together will all the RAR training you have already received, you will be able to be the best you can be, by trying to be Joseph Truelson.
First we find how you are different from Joseph, and fix those differences. Next, we make you arrogant and obsessed with RAR as much as Joseph. Finally, we make you go to chess tournaments and evaluate you on an A through F scale, seeing how well you would do compared to Joseph Truelson.
There is no catch! Although in exchange for all of this, we do ask for a required “donation”.
Still, currently priced at $400, TTTTT is the way to fulfilling your destiny.
- RM Joseph Truelson, December 21st, 2017
Negative RAR tips/Anti-RAR tips
These tell you what not to do.
Tip #-1: Become RookSacrifice
The negative RAR tips are anti-RAR tips, basically, how not to win.
If you don't want to win at chess, become RookSacrifice.
RookSacrifice has the strength of a master, openings the level of a grandmaster, but he is only in the 1800s. Why? Joseph tells all of his opponents to RAR him every game. He is very scared of the RAR movement, and this is why he is hacking our group. But RAR will never die. When you play RookSacrifice, you must RAR, or else you are guaranteed to lose.
Since RAR is luck, we'd rather have good luck than good skill.
Tip #-2: Use all of your time to play good moves
RookSacrifice, the chief of the anti-RAR movement, thinks that you should use all of your time to play good moves. Since this isn't consistent with the RAR viewpoint and is therefore wrong, I've decided to go down to his level to explain how silly his ideas are. Why can't he just accept that RAR is always right? Ugh.
Using all of your time is never a good idea. When you waste your time, you generally aren't thinking about the right moves, instead you consider moves that you would have never considered before, and waste precious minutes discarding extra bad moves. A RAR master would instead only calculate 2 moves, while a RookSacrifice might calculate 4, and therefore use double the time. The point is, using all of your time doesn't actually help you play better moves, so don't do it. Instead, waste your time on your opponent's time, so you won't lose on time.
Also, RookSacrifice's games refute his own argument. Time and time again, he is crushing his opponents (practically every game, he really DOES have good skill) only to get into time pressure and lose for sure. Why listen to somebody who can't even win when they use time? Instead listen to me: I never use time, but I crush all the lower rated players, and even higher rated ones, by thinking on their time.
In short, if you don't remember any of this, and you won't, RookSacrifice is wrong about the whole RAR movement, and this is just one of the dozens - no hundreds, of things that he is wrong about.
Tip #-3: Play the board, not the opponent
Sometimes you want to play a move that is not good but sets a trap that you hope your opponent won't see. Or you want to play a move that looks good but is refuted by a tactic, and so you play it in hope that they don't find the refutation. This is very bad chess, because they will be suspicious and think extra hard to figure out what your trap is. Then they will refute your idea completely and you will be in a lost position. Then you will win the lost position. This is why in chess, you should try to play the objectively best moves. To play the objectively best moves you must cheat. Therefore, cheat!
Tip #-4: Don't study openings
Many chess players think that studying openings is a bad idea. They think that it causes you to lose when your preparation is over. They are right. But still, opening study is consistent with RAR. Why? Find out... right now!
In one sense, it would appear that RAR promotes this, as RAR is primitive and is pretty much against any kind of advancement in human civilization. However, this is one of the RARe cases that RAR supports studying chess. Why?
Studying openings is consistent with other RAR ideas. For one thing, when you memorize 30 moves of theory, you get more time than your opponent. Then, without any theory, you don't have any idea what's going on and you reach a dead lost position, but thanks to your time advantage you win anyways. So it is clear that studying openings is consistent with the RAR.
However, more importantly, the reason RAR likes studying openings is because it's basically cheating. Chess is basically a big test, and by studying for it you are pretty much cheating on a test. Cheating is the foundation of RAR, so go waste your money on my RAR books and crush your opponents with luck, time, and cheating!
Backup RAR tips
These are RAR tips that will never happen... except to RookSacrifice.
Tip #i: When losing on time, offer a draw
If you are down on time (which you should never be if you RARed correctly) there is still hope!
Offer your opponent a draw. He will most likely decline, but then as he analyzes the position he will begin to doubt himself and think about how terrible it would be to lose after declining a draw. He may become so distraught that just resigns on the spot!
If he declines, he will have used plenty of time analyzing, and you will be ahead in time!
If he accepts, then tell him he didn't and should resign, and if he complains scare him into submission!
If he declines without analyzing, keep offering draws! After three declined offers, claim a draw on repetition of draw offers!
Or, just switch the clocks!
Note: This is a worst-case scenario tip. You should NEVER be down on time after RARing correctly, and RAR does not accept failure.
Tip #∞: Become Joseph Truelson
If you want to win at chess, become Joseph Truelson. It's as simple as that, any further explanation is unnecessary.
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